Paralysis
by Madame Vodka
Summary: Paralysed after falling out of tree, Quatre has to live with himself and his mind, WIll he survive? Completed, with a bad ending
1. And then SNAP

Everything just went wrong.  
My friends? They hate me  
My family? They will probably disown me now, they don't care.  
No one cares even cares anymore  
Perhaps they never did.

There is a lot of yelling going on downstairs. I don't want to wait around, not safe since they are arguing about me.  
I know I can't stay here anymore.  
I guess you don't really plan running away. Its always a fantasy option, the option you use because you are really lost, and you need to see who loves you enough to find you.  
Just randomly grabbing clothes, money, don't bother with stuff like equipment and books, they will just get stolen, the money will as well if you are not too careful. I have to limit everything to just one rucksack, light as possible – to make it easier for the great escape.  
What I should have done was go downstairs, screamed back at them and then left.  
I should have faced them.  
But instead I chose the window.

I eased myself out of the window on to my tree. One branch and then another, the leaves flattered in my face, I didn't care, I was going to be free.  
And then snap..  
I think I screamed on the way down, A scream that ended as my skull shattered on the ground, a scream that started off a chorus of screams as my sisters came to investigate. Screams I never heard.

I know I saw my father bending over me, I could see a tear in the corner of his eye and I desperately wanted to tell him how sorry I was. Not just because of what I had confessed, but for failing him.  
I could taste blood in my mouth, I couldn't even move, and no matter how hard I tried, it would be a while before I could open my eyes again.  
I am ok though, Father please don't worry,  
I'm still sorry.

I couldn't feel anything when I woke up. Opening my eyes to an endless sea of white. A fluorescent glare that almost blinded me. The room swam around making me feel dizzy.  
"Quatre?"  
I am just going back to sleep for a while ok?  
"QUATRE?"  
Guess it's not ok, sorry.

One arm in plaster, a new haircut or should I say bare cut? Complete with a specially designed swarm of bandages and broken ribs. – Oh but you are so lucky dear.  
LUCKY??

Buts that's not all, a life time trip in a wheelchair.  
Oh wow  
Guess I can't take what's behind door number 2, Doc wheel me away.  
Another bombshell, a two-week coma?  
Did I miss anything?  
Guess not.  
I hate the way my sisters try not to cry in front of me, its worrying me. Why are they crying? What have they got to cry about?  
They hate me, don't they?

And another thing, how can my sisters' faces blur into a nurses face like that? From a sad face in to a fake happy face?  
At least the nurses talk to me, degrade me into a four year old but a least they talk to me. Pity I can't talk back yet.

Ah and yes Doctor Pain is back again, tell me the truth. Pain  
Why me?

Its kind of weird, everyday I tell my legs to move, that we have a job to do, got to run away and save the day, but my legs wont listen, they prefer to sit there looking pretty.  
_Pretty ugly._

Everyday some nurse cleans me, treating me like a little baby again. It's just so humiliating. When my hair grows back I will make a perfect doll.  
Ah, what's this? My father has come to visit?!?!  
He actually managed to tear himself away from the business long enough to even so much as visit! He must like me not being able to talk back to him.  
He tells me a lot of the things the doctors are saying. That I can come home in two weeks!! Yippee!!  
Oh and I am going to be home schooled now, aww damn I am so going to miss have pens thrown at me and my face smashed into lockers..

And that's not all, there is going to be a nurse to come and look after me! I guess father doesn't know that most kids gets hooters not nurses. But I guess he is a little screwed in the head.  
Oh and my "friends" have been phoning about me..???? What friends?  
The worse part of the visit comes, when he looks at me  
And for a long time he doesn't say anything.  
I am sorry I let you down Father.  
I am sorry I am such a big disappointment.  
And then you get up and leave, without even saying goodbye, not staying to listen.

I am sorry I made you cry Father.  
I really am.

Being fed through a tube isn't fun, having food and liquid slide down through a hole in my throat is not at experience I wasn't to repeat. Its just plain nasty.And you know I can't stand gloop.  
I want Pizza dammit!

The sisters are back again. They come and go, some read out all the get well cards that have been sent here. Get well cards? What have these people been told? I am too well adjusted to get well.  
Some sisters tell me what's been going on lately, how someone keeps ringing the house but wont leave a name.  
I want to talk to them.  
I want to them stupid stuff like how the head nurse is secretly a rhino is disguise or that drugs are bad. I just want to remind me that I am still here.  
I am still their irritating little brother.  
And then they go, silently running out of things to say, one stays behind long enough to whisper..  
"Its so quiet without you Quatre." Before leaving.  
Is that a good thing or a bad thing?  
Father visits less often, I understand.  
_He doesn't want to be reminded of the shit he has for a son._

The day after the bandages are removed, I finally see my self in my sisters eyes.  
I may have to wear a hat for the rest of my life.  
There are just a few strands of hair left, and a nurse snips them back in line with the rest of the stubble. But you can still see the red greasy scars shining through.  
Iria, my sister is trying very hard to cry. Trying hard to convince me that my hair will grow back, and to be grateful that I am not brain damaged.  
_I am only body-damaged. Yippee!!  
_Funny how she knows how I am feeling or what I am trying to ask.  
When I cant say anything at all.  
I can see how she wants to reach out and hug me, but tubes and oxygen masks restrain her. I can see how she just wants to break down and cry.  
So do I.

I was in the middle of a nice thought – Thank god I don't have any friends, so they cant see me looking as bad as this. But as they say, speak of the devil and he appears.  
Looking like he might faint.  
Duo.  
My so called best friend.  
Wish I could tell him to go away.  
He moves over to the chair, his movements are shaky, and he doesn't seem to be able to look at me.  
And then he leaves again, without ever saying a word.

I don't know how long I have been here for. All I seem to remember now is the hospital. It might have been hours since Duo left, or maybe it could have been days, I just don't know anymore.  
The goodish news is that I no longer need an oxygen mark, but they say its still going to be a while till I go home. You wouldn't believe the tests they do to see what's parts of me still work and what doesn't. �.�  
Now that I can speak again. I don't know what to say, I let them talk at me. My sisters? They are just trying to be nice, because they feel guilty. If I hadn't of been hurt then I would be begging on some street corner and they would be safe at home. Hating me.

I am just wasting their time now, when they learn what a burden a cripple is, they wont bother anymore. I will just be locked in some forgotten room whilst they slip arsenic in my food.  
_Something to look forward to I guess._

Ah Doctor.  
Can you please stop sticking pins in my legs. Its kind of annoying you know?  
Cant you accept that I cant feel anything?  
And that really hurts.

Ah wow my own wheel chair.  
Just what I always wanted.  
I will treasure it for the rest of my life.

Ah Father, great to see you, you look tired, have you lost weight? Yah I am fine, just about to try out for basketball, think I will make the team?  
Maybe that's what I would say if you visited.

Authors Note.

Well decided to upload this little "gem" Dunno if u will like it or not, if you do or don't please tell me why, if you really hate it or its confusing please just tell which parts are bad or confusing, it's the only way I will learn. Eventual 3X4 and 1X2 pairing I think. It will have a happy ending anyway.


	2. Hospital life

Someone here screams all night.  
And its only when the orderlies hold me down.  
And they sedate me  
Then I realise  
The screamer is me.  
WHY?

Oh please just send me home to die now, I had enough, ENOUGH!

Father is here now,  
Stroking what remains of my hair,  
Telling me everything will ok.  
And for some reason I cant stop crying.  
Delayed shock, the nurse whispers

And then Father is hugging me,  
And I am sobbing in his shoulder  
And nothing makes sense anymore.

Perhaps they should not of told me I will never walk again.

When I am sedated, I am still here, just powerless to move.  
Endlessly staring at the ceiling.  
Unable to talk or hear.  
All I see is white.

And it makes me wonder, is this what its like to be dead?

And my mind is fighting, struggling to say  
I want out.

Ok, its not funny anymore!  
I don't want to play this game anymore.  
I WANT OUT.

You win, I will be a good boy now,  
I wont tease my sisters, I will try harder in school.  
Please stop punishing me like this.

They are teaching me how to operate a wheelchair.  
How to lift myself in and out, essential for toilet training etc.  
But before all that, exercises, to build "upper body strength" so I can lift more than a finger.  
And I try and try,  
And its hurts  
And I keep trying to smile.  
And I keep working.  
But really inside.  
I am dead, I feel nothing.  
I am never going to be normal again, am I?  
So why keep me alive?

Oh I wasn't perfect back then,  
But I am a monster now.  
I am a freak,  
Nothing more, nothing less.  
So why keep me alive?

I think about what it must be like for those who are completely paralysed, or blind or deaf. Those who are imperfect like me.  
And I admire them.  
How do they manage to cope?  
How do they stay strong?  
How do they live?  
With what they are?

Oh how nice, my own personal automated wheelchair, complete with a blanket for bad weather.  
Hey wait! I don't want to sit in that.  
Hey! Stop wheeling me out,  
I can walk  
Cant I?

Wow, Father actually came to pick me up, what's next? A welcome home party?  
Riding home.  
I watch as the unfamiliar faces whirl past familiar buildings.  
I can hear the clanking of my chair, as Father turns a corner.  
And I fiddle with the radio.  
Just to be rid of the silence.

Little changes have been made around the house, ramps, stair lifts, and a darts board. I keep my eyes closed and pretend to be asleep.  
I thought I would be ok when I came out of hospital.  
But I am not.  
I can still do a lot of stuff though,  
I can still dress myself,  
I can still feed myself,  
I can still play football.  
Oh just kidding there!

I spend a lot of time in my room, Father says I will get a tutor in a couple of weeks time, but right now there is not a lot for me to do. Everyone is busy with work including Father, no big surprise there,

I had friends once,  
I disgusted them,  
I lost them,  
I need them now,  
But they are not here.

I don't remember the last time I had a reason to smile.  
A proper smile.  
When did I last feel happy?  
And it makes me think.  
What do I have to live for?

I will always be attracting sympathy, - oh you poor thing, that type of shit.  
But none of those people would hire me, who wants a cripple to do the work when you have healthy people ready,  
None of those people will want to know me.  
Sympathy hah!  
Just what the doctor ordered.  
I have nothing, no respect, no friends.  
My family? Yeah they care, they try to love me but they have lives of their own, they are to busy to spend time with me.  
They don't need a distraction like me in their lives. They don't need to be burdened by their beastly little brother.  
They don't need me.

What do I have to do? To be able to walk again?  
Call up Jesus and the god squad to perform miracles?  
If it works I will convert honest.

Or perhaps I could join a freak show,  
The wheel chair posse.

Or maybe I should just test the theory of reincarnation, it could be good to be a slug.  
Someone save me from my mind.

My sisters decided it would be good for me to go outside, I offered to climb outside using ye old faithful tree but they prefer to use the chair lift,  
Old bags.

Going outside requires getting dressed, which is easy to do.  
It requires leaving my room.  
Which isn't so easy.  
I hate the way the maids stare at me, although they try not to.  
Its warm outside, the flowers are in bloom. It all looks so pretty. And then you see me  
Pretty ugly.  
I stare out, at the tree, there is nothing to mark where I fell, there is nothing there to symbolise the death of my old life.  
Iria pushes me away from the tree, nearer into the shade. Fussing over me like a Mother would, its kinda nice.

"Are you sure you are warm enough?"  
"If you add another blanket I will melt, I swear."  
"You are too young to swear."  
"Aww damn."  
"Don't make me call the police."  
"I will be good."  
"Good doggie,"  
"doggie?"  
"I mean kitty."  
But her smile never reaches her eyes, I stare into those deep pits of sadness.  
I don't know how much more of this I can take.

Author's Note.  
Thank you for reviewing!! i walk around school with a huge smile on my face cause of the reivews, thank you so much! I am sorry but this chapter and the next are still angsty then the story begins, this is the longest story i ever wrote.  
and thank my psychology teacher for letting me home an hour early. means you get a new chapter!!!


	3. My sisters will be the death of me

I missed a whole summer, so many months spent wasting away without even noticing.  
Everyone around me has changed.  
New job,  
Or new school  
New clothes,  
New nose? Only a hundred quid.  
Whilst I remain.  
Old and unwanted.

Duo visits again. Fumbling around, trailing off in the middle of a conversation. I don't even want to look at him, sitting there with his violet eyes filled with pity.  
"I got to go now, Kat. I will come back soon, I promise."  
"Don't bother Duo."  
"I want to."  
"Why? So you can just stare at the freak? The only reason you are even here is because you feel guilty. Just don't bother coming back."  
There is silence, only broken by him quietly closing the door as he left,  
Its better this way, he doesn't need to keep wasting time on a freak, he can spend more time with his friends, with his life.  
With his normal life.

The only people I see now are maids, nurses and my tutor. Now the novelty of having a handicapped brother has worn off, my sisters leave me alone completely. And Father never really bothered, I could be dead for weeks without anyone even noticing.  
I stay un my room almost all the time now, I have everything I need here, tv, video games, books, Everything I ask for I get.  
Like I said before, I got a tutor, some bastard told him how I played the violin and the piano, cant really play the piano now but can still play the violin, but I don't want to, the asshole wont shut up about how I should play again, to "express my feelings over this terrible tragedy"  
Is he a teacher? Or a shrink?  
Most of the time he is ok though, teaching me the stuff I missed, or missing. Not much point really but its nice to have something to do with my time.

I cant sleep anymore, I just cant sleep. I spend most nights playing video games or doing homework for owl.  
I feel so tired, but I just cant sleep.  
Its noticeable, Lizzie, the maid often comments on the dark circles under my eyes, that and the fact I don't eat enough of the food that gets sent up here. Cookie is getting upset with her cranky master.  
Cranky??

Sometimes I think about what Duo is doing now, I wonder what the school is like now I am gone- the word happy springs to mind.

My family are "worried."  
They have noticed how "thin and withdrawn" I am, one of them even claims that she heard me drive my "only friend" away.  
They say to stop being so negative, !! and spend more time outside my room like where? The roller skating rink? and to apologise to Duo for being such a twat, - their words not mine.  
They attempt to cheer me up by trying to spend more time with me. By dragging me out my room being in a wheel chair makes this really easy for them to do they are all using the upcoming holiday to cheer me up.  
Christmas  
A time for families  
A time Father spends out the country.  
Suddenly, because I don't have a teacher for two weeks, I am considered to have plenty of free time to open and write Christmas cards,  
Paper cuts!! Aaargh.

I am supposed to be festive and happy.  
And I try to be, honestly I do try.  
For them..

They keep offering me mince pies and other wicked fattening sweets. – just had one is the excuse I generally use.  
Trying to fatten up the turkey.  
Very festive.

I wonder I can use the wrapping paper to make a noose, Very festive.

"Wake up, Quatre, we are going shopping."  
"No thanks," Unknown evil sister sits down on my bed. Where I have the covers pulled over my head. Trying to sleep.  
"But you haven't been out of the house in months! You need new clothes."  
"We can get new clothes in the sale next month or even better let me keep my old clothes."  
"They are full of holes."  
"They are supposed to be like that,"  
"Come on, we will have fun."  
"I have other fun things to do."  
"Like?" Gaah bloody evil lawyer sister Mina.  
"Christmas cards."  
"Suzy is doing that."  
"I can help her."  
"You are the most selfish brat I have ever met! Just grow up, and stop ruining everyone elses Christmas!" She screams suddenly, leaving the room.  
I stay in bed, covers over my head, hiding the tears running down my face.  
No-one else comes up after that, guess they agree with Mina. I am ruining their Christmases, I am sorry, I didn't mean to.

Santa, if you wont give me the gift of walking, will you give me a razor instead?

Well they left me alone for most of the morning, I managed to go to sleep for an hour. Then the sensation of someone fat bum squashing me, woke me up.  
"You should sleep at night Quatre." Iria says softly. I just groan and try to go back to sleep.  
"Quatre?"  
"mmm?" Iria shakes me, surprisingly it hurts.  
"Wake up, We need to talk."  
"I am sorry I ruined everyone's Christmas again."  
"Don't listen to Mina," she shakes me again. "Sit up Quatre, I don't want to keep talking to your covers." Sleepily I sit up.  
"What do you want Iria?"  
"When are you going to go outside? You cant stay hidden forever."  
I groan again "not this speech again, please." I flop back down on to the bed,  
"I am worried about you Quatre."  
"I am fine, nothing to worry about."  
"Then why don't you.." she stops mid breath, suddenly staring, she reaches out suddenly and before I can stop her, pulls up my pyjama top. I try to struggle but I am just too tired.  
"Jesus Christ! Quatre!!! You are nothing but skin and bone." She prods my ribs gently, and it hurts. It hurts a lot.  
"Hey, stop harassing me!"  
"You have a problem Quatre." I yank my top back down. The sudden aggressive movements are making me feel dizzy, Her face grows angry as she grabs me, pulling me out of bed, dragging my worthless feet across the floor, it hurts and there is nothing I can do but cling to her, hoping she doesn't drop me.

"Iria! What are you doing! Put him down." She is really hurting me now, her fingers raking into my skin. She is too angry to notice me or my sister.  
Someone untangles me from her, carrying me back to my room, Suzy sits with me as I cry into her shoulder, she strokes my hair telling me I will be ok, but I wont be ok. I wont.  
My skin is all bruised and cut from Iria's fingers, the doctor is being called, and everything hurts so much. I don't think anything is going to be alright.  
Merry fucking Christmas.

The doc says I am severely sleep deprieved, malnourished, anorexic and depressed. How she can tell all of this with one quick examination is amazing. I am supposed to be going to Applegate for a while so they can "help me" WTF? Over my dead body!  
Of course all this wont happen until after Christmas so for the next five days I am supposed to be fed daily, kept away from dangerous objects like Iria for instance?  
Its nearly Christmas eve, and Father is coming home tomorrow. Oh what fun.  
I am sorry for ruining everyone's Christmas. I didn't mean to.  
I tried so hard to be happy, for you  
I know, I wish I was never born too.

Suzy brought up the usual meal tray,  
"I wish you would eat dinner with us."  
"its not worth the hassle, thanks for the grub."  
"Out!" a voice snaps from the doorway, the figure of Iria hath appeared.  
"Hey! It my room, you get out." But good old obedient Suzy has risen and is now leaving me alone with..Her! aargh.  
"Shouldn't you be eating that." She gestures towards to tray. I don't really want to eat but at the same time I don't want to anger her anymore.  
"I am not hungry at the moment at the moment, I will eat it later." I say desperately. She hisses, wrong thing to say.  
"You are never hungry." She says menacingly "maybe I should sit here and wait until you are hungry."  
"Iria, please just leave me alone, please?"  
"Applegate is the best place for you." She snapped, throwing the tray against the wall. I watch as the liquid stains the wallpaper, dribbling down as Iria slams away.  
Oh lord, why did you give me the pmsing sisters from hell?

I wish I could clean up the mess, it seems unfair to make anyone else do it, when it was my fault.  
Its always my fault.  
Unsteadily I heave myself out of bed onto the chair, the room spins again but determined I wheel forward, If I could pick up some of the bigger chunks of china and stuff, then it wouldn't be so bad.  
I lean closer and closer  
And then THUCK!  
My head hits the wall as I fall out of my chair on to shards of china.  
My luck really stinks.


	4. AppleGate

They had to call an ambulance in the end, after my sister came up to investigate the thuds, saw me sprawled on the floor and started screaming at the sight of all the blood.  
They say if I had eaten more often, my bones wouldn't of been so frail, I might have been able to take the fall without breaking several bones.  
I think they lie.

Iria is here with me, her eyes puffy from crying. She blames herself, but it isn't her fault.  
"Can I go home please?" I whisper to her, she looks really shocked at the question, then really sad.  
"I am sorry Quatre, but it's going to be a long time before you can come home again." She whispers before leaving the room.

A few moments after she left the room, Suzy enters with coffee, She looks miserable too.  
"What's going on?" I ask  
She hesitates, unable to look me in the eye, "The doctors here are very worried about your state of health. Quatre, you seem to be very persistent in harming yourself."  
"It was an accident!" I exclaim.  
"How can starving yourself be an accident?" she snaps  
"I wasn't starving myself!"  
She ignores me, "and because you have done a lot of damage to your ribs, its going to be hard to move you without hurting you, it has been decided to move you to Applegate's hospital."  
"who decided this?" I whisper in shock  
"Father, and the hospitals."  
"I just want to go home, please Suzy, let me come home." I whimper.  
Suzy tries to cheer me up, we can have a Christmas party at Applegate, its not that far away, we can still have "fun".  
I tell her not to bother, ensuring a strong silence until the nurse comes and tells Suzy that she has to leave now.  
"Have a merry Christmas Suzy." I say as she leaves without a word, she ignores me and carries on walking, in a way that suggests that she is crying.

I am left alone in my isolated room, left to stare up at the ceiling, At ten o clock, a nurse enters, looking at a chart then at me with her eyebrows raised.  
"I want to go home."  
"You will do dear, in time." She says with a fake smile, "this is just something to help you sleep."  
"I . I . I don't need anything to help me sleep."  
"Are we going to have a problem dear? Do I need to call an orderly?" She says before taking my arm firmly, I am too tired to snatch it away as she plunges an evil looking syringe into my arm.  
Bloody witch.

Its Christmas Eve, they are loading me into an ambulance, firmly strapping me down, I am still dozy from the sleeper to really protest. Even my voice sounds weak and small.  
"Where are we going?"  
"Applegate kid."  
"Want, want to go home."  
"Orders are orders little dude." He says sympathetically before driving me away.

They weren't kidding me, I hoped they were, we have been travelling too long to be heading for home.  
I feel so out of it, because of the sleepers and the painkillers. I flash in and out of consciousness. I don't really notice Applegate approaching, or the wards that go flying by.

"Hello Quatre, I am Doctor Sally Po, I am going to be your therapist whilst you are staying at Applegate."  
"Don't need a therapist." I mumble, barely coherent  
"Everyone here gets a therapist, regardless of their needs."  
"I want to go home."  
"Not until you are better, Quatre." She says softly.  
"I am not sick." I am not, I am not.  
"I think you are, Quatre, your family think you are." She tells me about the rules here, What I am expected to do. I don't listen; I don't even look at her. I don't want to be here.  
I am not sick.

They keep injecting me with stuff, trying to make me sleep or trying to make me happy, I don't really know, I don't really care anymore.  
There is a fucking needle in my hand, hurts like hell, dripping who-knows-what into my arm, I tried to take it out, but a nurse noticed and taped it more firmly in.

They keep trying to make me eat, using pathetic lines like..  
"You are only hurting yourself Quatre." Well that's the whole point isn't it?  
"I can wait here all night." I can to duh.

My father is here.  
All I used to want was for him to spend time with me. Now all I want is for him to leave me the hell alone.  
He came on Christmas day with Iria.  
I don't want to talk to him.  
So I don't.

As Iria leaves to get some coffee, he leans forward and speaks in a low voice.  
"Why are you doing this? Quatre?" none of this really involved you anymore Father, so I don't feel that I have to discuss it with you, or anyone else.  
"Quatre, please talk to me." His voice sounds so pained, I want to tell him that's its not his fault, that he doesn't need to be here.  
He sighs. "Is this your way of punishing me? For not being at home more often?" oh sure ease your own conscience.  
"No, this has nothing to do with any of you." I mutter angrily.  
They don't stay very long after that. Maybe its something to do with the fact I told them to leave me the hell alone.  
I hate being here. I want to go home.  
I want to go back to being forgotten.

Father doesn't visit again in the next week, Iria does, sadly. She tells me that my other sisters won't be visiting until my attitude improves.  
What an incentive!

Soon, I am going to have enter the wondrous world of therapy. so I can start to begin my "healing" here.  
They tell me its a lot different there, that I wont be able to get away with not eating, or anything else. They tell me I am going to talk to Sally. They tell me a lot of things.  
I ignore them.

They are all in group therapy when I arrive, my own personal aide Mike, shows me my room, which I have to share with "Heero" he says a little nervously.  
Then he wheels me down into Group therapy.  
Oh my god!  
Keep staring and I may do a trick.  
The therapist in charge Dr whatever starts talking to me in a slow voice, I twig on, she thinks I am retarded, just because I am slightly dopey from their bloody pills!  
"Qua-tre, this is Heer-roh, yo-ur room-mate ROOOM-MAAATE." I try to look at her blankly, I am too angry to answer her anyway, how dare she presume like that, bitch, I notice her is pointing to an angry-looking Japanese kid, great!  
Dr Dumb shakes her head, "must of sent him her by mistake," she mutters to herself before giving me a big fake smile and going out the door.

The whole group is just staring at me, six people with nothing better to do than stare at me.  
"Take a good look, the price goes up tomorrow." I snap.  
"Guess you are not as dumb as you look." Someone States  
"Why are you here?" A Chinese boy asks sternly.  
"Wait! Let me guess." A blue hair girl says.  
"Insomnia, anorexia and depression." A voice says behind me- Sally. "not to be a wise guy with a retard routine." I ignore her, its not worth trying to protest.  
It's not worth it anymore.

If you want another chapter Review, if you dont.. i will cry waaaaaaah :(


	5. A matter of life death and reviews

Now at night, I tongue my meds, I am hiding them for a "special!" occasion. I have to take two every night you see, but I don't want their crap, I chose not to sleep, no one should take that away from me.  
Usually at night I read, or think whilst listening to Heero's steady breathing. The nurse checks us every half an hour but I can always hear her coming.

I don't act depressed either, See my happy smile all the time.

Sometimes I throw a prissy fit in the dinner hall, throwing food around etc, but I am careful, I don't do this more than once a day so I don't end up on the tube. The rest of the food gets hidden or trampled in the floor, its handy to have a wheelchair when cavorting food out to the bins.  
I don't want to eat, mainly because I don't deserve to eat. I deserve to die  
So let me ok?

Sally is suspicious, but she can't do anything at the moment, whilst I am being a "good" boy.  
Unfortunately to get out of here, I have to talk to her.  
I usually try to make up total crap about my family or my so-called disability.  
And then she talks to my sisters and finds out I am telling her a load of lies.  
To say she isn't happy is an understatement.

"Quatre, There is no point you coming to these sessions."

"You mean I can go home?"

"You can go to your room or to study hall."

"That's not fair! I haven't done anything. I want to go home."

"Until you start telling me the truth, Quatre there is no point in us meeting."

"I was telling the truth."

"Last session you told me about Christmas 1997, where your whole family went skiing and you got lost."

"Yes and?"

"That never happened, your father was working and your sisters went without you. Everything you have been telling me in a lie." She pauses, her face flushed with emotion. "I don't understand why you are making this up, I know you know. None of this happened. Is this what you wanted to happen? Are these fantasies of what you want to happen? Or are you just trying to make your sisters guilty?"

"These stories are nothing, because nothing happened, in my childhood that interesting enough to tell you in these sessions. They are just media introduced ideas brought on from eating too much pizza.

I realise I may of made a mistake, and I am dealing with it on my own. However you are right, there is no reason for us to keep having these sessions together, I am wasting your time and you are wasting mine, so enough already. Discharge me and let me go home."

"When you start telling me the truth, you can go home."

"I told you the truth, you didn't listen and now I have nothing else to tell you."

"Like I said, there is no point in you attending your next session, unless you want to start talking truthfully, you can spend your time in your room or in studyhall, you are are also excluded from group therapy."

"You are not listening to a word I am saying are you?"

"I wont listen to you until you tell me the truth."

"I just did!"

"No you didn't, Quatre I know you didn't have the perfect childhood, no one does, I need you to be honest with me about your self and your feelings in order for you to get better."

"I feel nothing, why? Because of the all the damned pills you have me on, you want me to tell you the truth? What is there to tell you? Nothing happened?"

"Goodbye Quatre."

"NO!" I start to really yell now, "Don't keep fucking up my life, I don't want to be here, so I am trying to get out, by getting better, but you wont listen to a fucking word I am saying."

Sedated.

My mind turns back to a plan I had.  
forty sleeping pills should be enough hopefully.  
I didn't mean for Applegate to be stuck with a corpse, how very selfish of me.  
But then again I have always been a selfish brat.

They wont let me into group or individual therapy, until I sign their stupid contract agreeing to tell the truth, and nothing but the truth. The consequences of breaking this contract can result in isolation. Or different drugs etc etc  
I am not signing it, everyone needs to lie sometime.  
Don't they?

As result no one is talking to me, some yell at me though, cause they have noticed the dark circles under my eyes are getting bigger not smaller, a sign of their drugs not working I am not sleeping etc, they also have the suspicion that I am getting thinner.  
As a result of all this I have to see the doctor tomorrow. And they have searched my room twice. This resulted in Heero giving an orderly a black eye for going through his stuff,  
All hell broke out.  
Sorry Heero.  
He is stuck in sedation, making me alone tonight with a glass of water, there is no way I am going to see their doctor, and they didn't find my pills.

So I swallow them

Until there are no more to take

It is done.

Now give me peace.

I feel like I am flying, I don't feel anything, it is so peaceful.

So cold.

The room keeps spinning, I feel sick, I close my eyes praying that this will end soon.

SHIT! A nurse is coming, got to…

Authors note  
Will he live? Will he die?  
In my next chapter  
Will you laugh or will you cry?  
Review and find out, sorry this chapter is slightly shorter


	6. Alive for now, but ranting

I wake up in a hospital bed, strapped down with tubes all over me. An IV drips into my arm, a heart monitor bleeps slowly. Little reminders of life.  
They know everything now.  
That I wasn't eating.  
That I wasn't sleeping  
That I wasn't happy  
Finally my lies have shown themselves.  
And maybe, It makes me happy, must be the drugs.

An orderly holds me over the scales, standing me upright on the lie detector. I don't want to see the weight, so I tell the orderly to get his fucking hands of me.  
They are not happy with the weight, that's means more tubes sliding down my throat, I want to fight back but in the end I am just to tired.  
They inject me with sleepers, all kinds of meds and the vitamins I so "desperately" need.  
Sometimes I wish they would leave me alone. Sometimes

Sally is here, I ignore her, I don't really want to talk to anyone, especially not her.  
"You cant hide from this forever, Quatre."  
What ever happened to a normal hello?  
She tells me that when I get back on the ward, things are going to change, since I can no longer be trusted to do the right thing.  
I was doing the right thing.  
Wasn't I?  
They are the ones who did the wrong thing, by saving me.  
Aren't they?  
Sally tells me that I have upset everyone on the ward. That they are really worried about me.  
They don't even know me.

"Do you want to tell me why you did this?" She asks, and I continue to say nothing, I guess she was expecting me to tell her everything, an air of disappointment follows her as she leaves.  
Why do I do this?

I think I need a break, a long sleep. I am not sure anymore if I want to wake up or not but a long sleep, warped logic huh? I don't want to fall asleep when I am supposed to but I want to sleep forever.  
I am just so fucked up.  
Sally, everything hurts really bad.  
How can you help me?  
When you wont let me die?  
I don't pretend to be happy anymore.  
I am too tired.  
When I try to speak. My words are nothing but a slur.  
They tell me that when I am at a safe weight, they will take me off the pills.  
Then I wont be so tired.

They don't allow any fucking around in here, I don't eat, and I am tube fed. Someone watches me all of the time just to make sure.  
I protest, I am sedated.

I don't talk very often now.  
Nothing worth saying.  
Sally is pissed about that.  
Oh well, everything I do these days she gets pissed off at anyway.

"What happened to no therapy until your contract gets signed." I slur at her on her next visit. She looks at me, slightly surprised that I am speaking to her.  
"An attempted suicide is treated with or without contracts."  
"This is treatment?"  
" Yes." Aha, so that's why she is here, they are forcing her to be here.  
"What happens now?"  
"You stay here a little longer, then you come back to the ward, if we think you are not making enough progress or any effort, then you will be sent back here or on to another ward."  
"kind of like pass the parcel huh?" eyes on the clock, 20 minutes before she is suppose to go.  
"Why do you do this?"  
"Why do you think?"  
"I think you are trying to get help."  
"I don't need any help." This is getting really tiring; Sally starts to blur, and my eyes  
close.

Eventually, after a few weeks I get wheeled back to the ward.  
They are ignoring me. I can't look them in the eye.  
I sit alone by the window bay, Staring out through the bars.  
Its so peaceful out there.  
I don't realise I am crying until someone hugs me and then I start wailing again.  
Best call Sally, the icy bastard has melted.

I am sorry Trowa, I didn't mean to destroy your shirt.  
Thank you for holding me like this.  
Protecting me  
I am sorry I can't stop crying.  
Sally murmurs.  
Trowa strokes my hair.  
I get carried off to her office.

"What made you cry like that?"  
"I don't know." I say softly "Everything I guess."  
"What do you think would of happened if you died?"  
"What would of happened to me? Or to other people?"  
"To you."  
"It would have been an ending."  
"Are you uneasy talking about this?"  
"Was my family told?"  
"It's within our policy to report such incidents, so yes they were told. Does that bother you?"  
"What do you think?"  
"Your sisters haven't visited in a while, Do you miss them?"  
"What do you think?"  
"Quatre, if you don't co-operate, we will have to.."  
I interrupt her, "Why are you always threatening me? Why cant you leave me alone for while. Maybe I don't know the answers to the questions you are asking me."  
Maybe I will never know.

Just a quick note.

Thank you to everyone who reviewed. At the moment I don't really want to keep continuing this story, there are certain people CLAIRE ALEX JENNIFER who I don't really want reading this story, and anyone else so goes stupidly oh its so depressing, it SUPPOSE to be depressing, that why its in the angst section and I don't really think a paralysed person would be very happy, do you? but anyway the next chapter and the final chapter aren't depressing, so there. I was going to do aload more chapters, add more people, have duo and heero get together, and have Cathy attack Quatre and Trowa but I am not going to, there are just two more chapters and that's final, and then different story all together, about Nekos I think or Angels, depends how I feel about typing anything else up, but thank you to everyone who reviewed, sorry I am ranting at you, but it does annoy me, saying things like that. But some of your reviews kept me smiling all day, thank you.

p.s sorry my grammer and spelling sorta suck, I do eng lit and yet that's my weakest area. **cries**


	7. Oncoming Doomas

Eventually I leave her room, to sit alone in the TV room  
And someone sits beside me.  
Trowa

"Thanks for umm helping me earlier." I whisper, bowing my head so he wont see the blush spreading across my cheeks. I don't really know what else to say to him, I cant expect someone who hasn't talked for seven years to start again suddenly because I need him too.  
Trowa touches my hand, the shock of it makes me look up into his questioning eyes.  
"I'll be ok." I say softly, He smiles softly before turning his interest to the tv, idly flicking through the channels.  
I want to lean against him, he is so cute but I know he will take it in the wrong way. I don't want to disgust anyone else.  
Also he has a girlfriend.  
Cathy.

I wake up in the middle of the night, its so cold, I cant move.  
It hurts to breathe  
"Stop jerking off and go to sleep." Heero growls.  
"C-c-c-call the nurse." I whisper frantically.

Its hurts so much, my heart feels like it is going to explode. There are people rushing around me.  
Trying to save me.

This life I lead.  
Is it worth coming back too?  
These people I see, why do they care?  
When you try to save me, what are you saving?  
Maybe I should ask Sally, I can hear her talking outside with a doctor.

"..He was let out of the hospital too early, But we are doing the best we can. You must understand that next time, he wont be given a second chance, his heart wont be able to take it. If he doesn't pull himself back together again or if we don't monitor the amount of drugs we are giving him, then he wont survive."

There is regret in his voice that is followed by a shocked pause before Sally asks

"Can I go in to see him?"  
"He is your patient"  
"Thank you Doctor."

She seats herself, not even looking at me.  
"Ever since you came here, you seem to be getting worse and worse. I just don't know how to help you anymore." She sighs "I just don't know what to do anymore."  
I gesture to the oxygen mask, she frowns and takes it off. Only for a moment mind you.  
I whisper to her.

"I want to get better."

Meanwhile, back on the ward.  
"Quatre's in the hospital again." Heero announced with disinterest.

I saw Trowa look at him with concern in his eyes, anger wells up inside of me. How dare he care, after everything that happened yesterday! How dare he!

"What happened?" Hilde asks  
"Heart attack." Says the man of little words.

"Who cares." I snap, out of the corner of my eyes I saw Trowa scowling at me. It makes me even angrier. "Its his own fucking fault anyway."

"That's not true Cathy." Hilde says nervously.

"Oh fuck of suicidal bitch. Its bad enough that the queer over there." I yell stabbing in Trowa's direction. "That queer drooling over him, don't you start too."

Of course the pathetic nurses, alerted by all the shouting, coming rushing over, trying to calm the whole thing down with their stupid little words. Hilde cries and I get dragged off to Isolation.

But I don't care, I have plans for that little shit for when he gets out of the hospital, hot plans haha. They will pay, they all will pay.

Then Trowa will be mine forever.  
And if he wont.  
Then I will just have to kill him too.

__

I would write more, but I want to leave it on a cliffhanger. Sorry for taking so long, it was my half term last week and I got loaded with school work. **is avoiding doing some of it now** however the last chapter should be here next week, and new story when I get my butt in gear. Cya soon.


	8. The not so grand finale

It was a few weeks before Quatre was allowed out of out the hospital, only to be found by Cathy, and her sedative. He never had a chance against her, couldn't even fight back as she dragged him away, to continue with her plans.

As the fire alarms sounded, the night became chaotic as the nurses tried frantically to evacuate, the screams and yells grew louder as Trowa noticed that neither Cathy and more importantly Quatre was no where to be seen. He ran back into the burning building, his heart racing with fear. Suddenly he knew what. Who had started the fire, and if he didn't hurry, the events that took place seven years ago, would happen again.

There she was, sitting quietly in the TV room, with Quatre placed on her knees, like a doll. The flames were growing larger around them, threatening to consume them; She saw Trowa and started screaming angrily, a look of insanity had possessed her face.

"Let him go. Cathy," Trowa yelled, at long last finding his voice after years of silence.

"Why? So you two can ride off in to the sunset, on your fucking happy ending, leaving me to dust, after everything I fucking did for you. This is how you repay me? Leaving your little sister for some crippled shit?" She screams. "I wont let you do that. He stays here with me, if I burn, he burns too."

"Like our parents burnt? You never did anything for me; you took my whole life away. I hate you."

His words stun her for a moment, and then anger crosses her face again. "NO! That's not true, you know it's not true, I told you not to talk about that, Shut up! Shut up! I did everything for you. You belong only to me, and I wont let you say those fucking lies SHUT UP!"

"You are the one who lit the match, I saw you." She interrupts him screaming for him to shut up.

"No. No! That's not true, it not true. ITS NOT TRUE!"

Trowa just calmly walked across the room, picking up Quatre out of her arms. Cradling him softly in his arms, then took one last look at his sister being restrained by firemen, her eyes devoured of sanity, still screaming to herself.

Then he exited the ward, carrying his precious bundle, walking out in to the cool night without ever looking back.

...Trowa's P.O.V... Several Months later

It has been a month since Quatre left Applegate, I haven't heard from him since then. I try to kid myself that maybe he has been busy, but I don't succeed. I am so scared that he wont see me, that despite everything, he doesn't love me like I love him, that really despite everything he said, he does hate me because of what Cathy did to him.

I just want to be part of his life; I know I would say anything just to make him happy. That I would do anything just to hold him in my arms again. I have never needed anyone like I need him, never been allowed to love anyone like I love him. Now that he has gone, the loneliness that followed him makes it feel like my heart has been ripped away.

I walk up the driveway towards the huge scary house where he said he lived. Will he even see me?

A maid answer the door, looks me up and down and drawls.  
"The mistresses are away on holiday. If you want to leave a phone number, they will phone on their return."  
"A-a-actually, I am here to see Q-q-Quatre, D-did he go to?" I stutter, damn nerves.  
The maid gives me a really shocked look and then steps back.  
"The Master is in his room, I don't know if he will allow you to see him." She says gesturing me inside.

"If you follow that main staircase." She points "and go right to the top, the only room up there is Quatre's room." She mutters before walking off.

The top floor? But this house is huge! Why is Quatre on the top floor? And that maid, doesn't she care why I am here? I could be a murderer or something like that; I start to climb the stairs. What were his sisters doing on holiday, leaving him behind?

Eventually, puffing and panting I reach the top floor. And knock on the only visible door.

"Go away," His voice calls out angrily.

I knock again, and he curses at me as I open the door slowly, half expecting something to be thrown at me.

Nothing could prepare me to see him sprawled across his bed, still in his pyjamas. His puffy red eyes ringed with deep black circles, His hair unwashed and his skin a pale deadly white. He stares at me with horror.

I move over to him, and pick him up, he doesn't try to struggle, He is so light, its also like he will break at my touch, his head lolls on to my shoulder as he starts to cry as I cradle him to my chest.

"I-I am sorry. I didn't think you would come." He whispers. Shaking in my arms, I cradle him tighter as he clings to me.  
"What happened to you?" I whisper back  
"I didn't want to be alone anymore." He whimpers not daring to look in my eyes.  
I don't want to hear anymore, my mind is made up. I pick up him and drag him into the bathroom.  
"Trowa, what are you doing?" he squeals as I plonk him into the bath.  
"Wash." I order. "I am not taking a smelly boy home with me." He looks at me, his blue eyes glisten with hope.  
"Do you really mean that?" he whispers, I smile down at him, lightly kissing him.  
"I should have done it the moment I left Applegate."  
He breaks away, looking down  
"Don't burden yourself with a cripple Trowa." He says abruptly.

I turn the shower on him full blast. Scrubbing at his hair with shampoo. When he looks reasonably cleaner, I strip of his pyjamas and wrap the towel around him. Ignoring his pathetic attempts to push me away.

"Its my choice on who I chose to "burden" myself with." I whisper to him as I redress him. "I love you."

"There is nothing left to love." He says sadly, I hug him tightly.

"As long as there is Quatre, there is something to love." I pause, "I am offering you a choice, you can stay here, forgotten losing yourself all over again. Or you can leave here, preferably with me."

He looks at me with uncertainty laced in his eyes. I worry that I will lose him, and then he closes his eyes, resting in to my shoulder. Burying his face into my neck.

"After all that we have gone through together, you should know I love you Quatre, I hate waking up to each day without you. I hate not seeing your smile, not being able to hold you in my arms. It hurts every day when you are not with me. Please please come with me."

"I will." He whispers fiercely "I will."

The END.

Finally

Sorry I didn't add enough to make a 1x2, and sorry I didn't explain the fight which caused Quatre to climb out of the tree was over the fact he told his dad he was gay how original of me and sorry if the last two chapters were a slightly let down :( bite me if you have any questions. Leave me a review with ur email address, and I will email u an answer. Thanks for reading. Bows and leaves."


End file.
